There’s More than One Way to Skin a Cat…

A famous art collector, while walking through the city, noticed a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store, causing him to stop and do a double take.Cat

The art collector immediately recognized that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he casually walked into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.

The storeowner replies “I’m sorry, but the cat isn’t for sale.”

The collector says, “Please, I need a hungry cat around my house to catch mice. What if I offered you twenty-five dollars for that cat?”

With a lucrative offer now on the table, the store owner says “Sold,” and he then promptly hands over the cat.

The collector continues, “Hey, for the twenty-five bucks, I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat has used it and it will save me from having to get a dish.”

The savvy storeowner owner replies, “Sorry buddy, but that’s my lucky saucer.
So far this week, I’ve sold sixty-eight cats.”

How to Sell Lots of Life Insurance

December 29, 2013 by QBS Research, Inc.  
Filed under sales humor, the lighter side

Private Jones was assigned to the Army induction center, where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their Serviceman’s GrouimagesCARCLOMRp Life Insurance (SGLI). It wasn’t long before the center’s Lieutenant noticed that Private Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Lt. stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones’s sales pitch.

Jones explained the basics of the SGLI to the new recruits, and then said, "If you have SGLI and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don’t have SGLI, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay the minimum benefit of $6,000." "Now," he concluded, "which bunch of soldiers do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

Don’t Drop Your Towel

October 30, 2012 by QBS Research, Inc.  
Filed under sales humor, the lighter side

A husband was just entering the shower as his wife was getting out. Unexpectedly, the front doorbell rings. So, the wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and goes to the door. Bob, their next-door neighbor is innocently standing there. shower towel

When he sees that she is wearing only a towel, Bob says, “I will give you $800 right now to drop that towel.” She thinks for a moment and realizes that $800 is a lot of money. Sure enough, she drops the towel and presents herself to him. “Nice,” he says and then hands her the $800 he had promised.

Back in the bathroom, hubby gets out of the shower and inquires, “Who was at the door?” “Bob, from next door,” she replies. “Great!” he says. “Did he bring over the $800 he owes me?”

The moral to this metaphor:  Know the whole story before you act on partial information.

Crazy Forecast Math

September 30, 2012 by QBS Research, Inc.  
Filed under sales humor, the lighter side

Why is it that deals forecasted with a 50% probability of closing rarely happen before the end of the month, while deals that are forecasted with a 90% probability, only close 50% of the time?

The “Sheepish” Consultant

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand new Jeep Cherokee appeared out of a dust cloud heading toward him. The driver, a young man in an Armani suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and a YSL tie leaned out of the window and asked our shepherd: "If I can tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you giveimagesCAYSJUIX me one?" The shepherd looks at the yuppie, then at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers, "Sure!" The yuppie parks the car, whips out his cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system, scans the area, opens up a database along with some 60 Excel spreadsheets with complex formulas.

Finally, he prints out a 15 page report on his hi-tech miniaturized printer, turns around to the shepherd and says: "You have here exactly 1,586 sheep!" "That is correct. You may take one of the sheep" says the shepherd. He watches the young man select an animal and bundle it in his Cherokee.

Then the shepherd says: "If I can tell you exactly what business you are in will you give me my sheep back?" "Okay, why not!" answers the young man. "You are a consultant," says the shepherd.

"That is correct" says the yuppie. "How did you guess that?" "Easy," answers the shepherd. "You turn up here unannounced, you wanted to be paid for the answer a question I already knew the answer to, and you don’t know anything about my business…because you took my dog."

Can Your Dog Sell?

December 11, 2011 by QBS Research, Inc.  
Filed under sales humor, the lighter side

Selling continues to be the least taught profession in the world! Does anyone think that’s strange? Sales drives every company, yet most of the top business schools in the world don’t offer a sales curriculum. Somehow we rely on the thought that salespeople inherently already know “how” to sell. Maybe it’s supposed to be in our DNA?  imagesCAUP5ZZU

Consider the amount of training necessary to become an architect, attorney, doctor, engineer, teacher, nurse, pharmacist or city planner. There is a minimum scholastic requirement followed by rigorous testing and continuing education. Whew! To say that you are a sales professional only requires that you print business cards.

Case in point: In the state of Georgia (my home state), you have to have a license to catch a fish, or own a dog, but you can sell many things including sophisticated products and services without any required training whatsoever. Note that I am NOT speaking out for more legislation. Just wanted to point out the parallel between skills development and your probability of success in sales.

3 Worst Marketing Buzzwords

frustrated[1] Let me guess, the company you represent is the leading provider of blah, blah, blah, with a long-standing track record and a commitment to excellence that is second to none. If so, join the club, as competitors have been trying to out-describe each other for years.

Everyone claims to have the best products, REALLY. In fact, our offerings are not only BETTER than the competion, we TRULY are the leader in the industry. Especially if you like adjectives, these three (Really, Truly, & Better) have become staples of corporate mediocrity, to the point where these words are generally discounted by potential customers as hype and fluff.

ABC Company Press Release: Our products and services are truly the world’s best. In fact, our new launch offers better features and experts say they will really change the way customers do business.

     …a few days later…

XYZ Company Press Release: Truly, we can now say that our products and services are the world’s finest. Our product offerings are better and they really will change the way customers do business.

Other words and phrases that should be stricken from the sales vernacular include paradigm-shift, industry-leading, cutting-edge, groundbreaking, touching-base, game-changer, and “coffee is for closers.”

Have You Ever Been Snow-Globed?

May 29, 2009 by QBS Research, Inc.  
Filed under sales humor

book-sellingyourself-small[1] Have you ever been "snow-globed?" Here’s is an excerpt from my new book,

“Selling Yourself in Today’s Competitive Marketplace.”


Everything seems eerily different now, as we slowly come to grips with the reality that the field on which we work and play has changed dramatically. Even those of us who were minding our own business when the downturn began breathed a collective gasp as the era of unabated prosperity that our economy has enjoyed for the last thirty years seemed to collapse overnight.

Not since the nineteen thirties have we experienced a scenario that could so widely impact the financial, political, and social fabric of our country, where the changing economic landscape will inevitably impact everyone at some point, if it hasn’t affected you already.

We have essentially been ‘snow-globed;’ turned upside down and shaken to the point where the tranquil scenes of our daily existence have been shrouded by a flurry of uncertainty that has suddenly clouded our view, and little pieces of reality now seem to be raining down in all directions.

This increased pressure in the marketplace comes with an ironic upside, however, one that has sparked a renewed sense of desire within companies, and, I dare say, throughout the entire sales profession. It turns out that the same people who are hungry for business are also eager for a new perspective and creative ideas about what they can and should do differently.

Never before have sellers been so willing to put their egos aside and adjust their approach to make themselves invaluable to their customers, colleagues, partners and company. I remember a time not so long ago when salespeople would come to my class without a pencil, fold their arms, and hope the clock would soon roll ahead to the end of day so they could head to the gym. Things are different now, as most people realize that some adjustments are in order with regard to how we deal with clients, as it appears that our best opportunity to emerge from the current predicament is going to be to sell our way out.


Singing the 401K Blues

March 17, 2009 by QBS Research, Inc.  
Filed under sales humor

Life is funny. Last Saturday night, I went to a comedy club here in Atlanta and literally laughed until I cried. Then, on Sunday, when I finally sat down at my desk to catch up from the week, I opened my 401K statement…and I cried until I laughed.

Anybody else singing the 401K blues? If so, this is a good time to increase you sales effectiveness!

No Wonder the Auto Industry is in Trouble!

February 15, 2009 by QBS Research, Inc.  
Filed under hall of shame, sales humor

I now know why the car companies are not doing well. A few months ago, I went car shopping because my teenage daughter suddenly has ‘nomadic aspirations’ having reached the magical age where she can now drive. Mind you, she’s a good kid, but I’m not one of those parents who subscribes to the notion that sixteen year-olds deserve a car just because they come of age, so my intention was to buy a car that Sarah would have moderate use of as long as her ‘train stays on the tracks’ relative to schoolwork and other responsibilities.

My first stop was Dyer & Dyer Volvo in North Atlanta. On the internet, I spotted a used Saturn SUV that would have been perfect, so immediately called the dealership on Friday afternoon and got connected with a salesperson named Sid, who was pleasant and helpful. Sid encouraged me to hurry over to the dealership before the car got sold. Since I had a conflict Friday evening, I made an appointment with Sid first thing Saturday morning at 9am sharp.

I rolled into the dealership about three minutes after 9am, with a cashier’s check in my pocket and ready to buy. Strangely, no one came out to greet me, which was okay. I didn’t need to be hounded. Three other couples were milling around the showroom, but strangely, I didn’t notice any salespeople. So, I walked up to the counter and told the nice looking receptionist that I had an appointment with Sid.

“Everyone is in the regular Saturday morning sales meeting,” she said. I asked her how long this meeting would last. “It usually starts at 8:30am and probably will last another 30 minutes,” she responded. I explained to her that I had a 9am appointment with Sid. “Yes, we know, you are on the VIP board,” she said, pointing to a prominent whiteboard in the showroom that listed client appointments, and my name was tops on the list with a 9am appointment. I said, “Can you slip a note under the door and tell him I’m here?” She did and came back saying he couldn’t come out. With that, me and my cashier’s check left the building.

Wait, it gets better.

Since the Saturn SUV had caught my interest, I drove to the nearby Saturn dealership, figuring that they would probably have some pre-owned vehicles on the lot. This time, six Saturn salespeople wearing the company uniform (red shirt and khaki pants) were standing around and one eagerly stepped forward to greet me. “I’m Steve,” he said. “How can I help you?” I explained that I wanted to buy a safe but inexpensive vehicle for my daughter to use. We walked around the lot to survey the various options, and I actually stuck my head in a couple of them. We even took a quick test drive around the block.

After I had been there approximately twenty minutes, the sales manager came over—a tall former football player with his gray hair dyed blonde. “Sir, are you planning to buy one of these cars?” he asked abruptly. I hedged, giving him a definite ‘maybe’ type of response. “Well, Saturday is our busiest day, so if you’re going to buy a car, we’re happy to help. But, we don’t want to wear Steve out because he has to work tonight until 7pm,” he said. You just can’t make this stuff up. I glanced back into the showroom, and at 10:15am in the morning, there was only one other customer in the showroom along with a bunch of salesmen standing around with their hands in their pockets.

I politely excused myself, saying, “I’ll come back when you’re not so busy.” My cashiers check and I were on the move once again.

Perhaps for spite, I whipped into the Kia dealership directly across the street from the Saturn reception desk. The folks at Kia couldn’t have been nicer or more attentive. I test drove a couple options, went back and forth a reasonable number of times, and with 90 minutes, we had a deal. The salesperson passed me off to the in-house finance minister who painlessly facilitated the legal mumbo-jumbo. After signing my life away, we shook hands and I turned to leave in my new Kia. “You’ll be getting your tickets in about three weeks,” the finance guy said.

“What tickets?” I asked. He told me, “You get two season tickets to all the Falcon’s 2008 home games when you buy a Kia.” “Why are you giving away free tickets?” I asked. He explained, “It’s a promotion to sell more cars.”

I have never been in the car business, but it seems to me that if you are going to offer a promotion to sell more cars, it might be smart to use the special offer as carrot or incentive to close deals, as opposed to mentioning it after the paperwork has all been signed and the customer is literally walking out the door.

No wonder the car business is in trouble…